Saturday, December 18, 2004

"I tawlk tawlk, I tawlk to you..." 

You bet your bippy I listen to the new Diva 92.3 outta LaPlace. It's music for the "Diva" in you. Where else am I going to get my daily Haddaway and Real McCoy fixes?

Anyhow, yesterday while I was listening they had an entertainment news minute that for some reason included the results of a worldwide survey on favorite colors. Apparently blue is the most popular color throughout the world, with white being the least favorite. The host who read the "news" minute suggested that the blue sky everyone shares might explain why that color is number one, but no theories were offered as to why white was so despised.

This got me thinking about racial categories, and how Caucasians (uggh) are classified as white. Perhaps, "whiteys" like myself should instead designate ourselves with a more realistic and more popular color. For example, the "pink" race, could be used. Or "peach"-skinned, or "light olive"...just anything to indicate the presence of color rather than its total absence.

Oh, and the reason I like (some) up-tempo dance music? Because this white-- strike that-- because this pink boy can shake it.

Disbelievers may watch this protege of mine.

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"Mommy can you kiss it and make it better?" 

New parents like to talk about their kids, and aren't afraid to share horror stories with other new parents like myself and Lovely. In recent weeks, I've heard not one but two stories that graphically depict the perils of a tippy toilet seat to young boys. Two mothers described how, just after their sons graduated to the adult toilet, faulty lids had dropped down (thwack!) on their little penii-- midstream, no less-- crushing them into the edge of the toilet. Of course, each mother also tried to characterize the blinding pain and hideous swelling that followed.

Now I can't help but contemplate the psychological impact of these accidents. What an awful, horrible ordeal. How do you soothe a five-year old with a huge bulbous blood-blister on his unit? Shudder to think, shudder to think...

Perhaps it's apocryphal, but one of the mothers claimed her young boy, sobbing in pain after the accident, asked the title query of this post.

I encourage you to share something wince-inducing in the comments.
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Thursday, December 16, 2004

Don't mess with my Poot Poot. 

I'm tempted to go to New Orleans' new Russian restaurant and vodka bar, Rasputin's, and order "a bowl of borscht, hold the dioxin".

Not sure that will go over so swimmingly, though.

Remember three and a half year's ago when President Bush first met Vladimir Putin? Afterwards, Dubya, with his infinite perspicacity, made the following judgment after a 40 minute meeting:

I looked the man in the eye... I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul. (6/16/01)

"Yeah, I'm a veritable open book."

Nicholas Kristof sums up the current consensus:

The bottom line is that the West has been suckered by Mr. Putin. He is not a sober version of Boris Yeltsin. Rather, he's a Russified Pinochet or Franco. And he is not guiding Russia toward free-market democracy, but into fascism.

Cool. Bush's trusty amigo is a quasi-fascist who expropriates oil companies, manages Parliament, constricts free media, and supports Ukraine Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich, who steals elections and poisons rivals. Recently, when Yanukovich actually did some campaigning, he spellbound audiences with this heartwarming message:
Vote for me, or the foreigners will steal your country and make you

A tad blunt, I would say. And the foreigners he's referring to, of course, are Americans.

With loose nukes running around, the Ukraine on the brink, and an emerging autocrat in the Kremlin, I'm sure glad we have... aw sh*tzky, I forgot.

"Decades of KGB training are no match for my unerring instinct."

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A bible, a knife and a defenseless child... 

What could possibly go... wrong?

(hat tips: Virtual Pus and 2 millionth)
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She had style, she had flair, she was there, That's how she became the Nanny. 

A YRHT informant has been having phone trouble of late, and last night apparently some connections got crossed and the following conversation was picked up. This is an exclusive rushed transcript of what my contact overheard.


FD: Hello?

KR: Ms. Fran Drescher please.

FD: This is she, who's this?

KR: This is the US government. We require your assistance.

FD (excited): For the new Breast Cancer awareness initiative? I'd love to help in--

KR: No, this is much more important. National Security is at stake. We recently tested a pilot program that hasn't worked out.

FD: Yeah, I know about those.

KR: No, this isn't a television program this is a military operation.

FD: I'm afraid I don't-- what did you say your name was?

KR: I didn't. This is the U.S. government. During this call you may refer to me as Turdblossom.

FD: Well, Mr. Turdblossom, you might have the wrong person. I'm afraid I don't know the first thing about unworkable missile defense systems.

KR: No, this is a different military program.

FD: That expensive top-secret spy satellite thingy?

KR (frustrated): No... I'm talking about a new disinformation program.

FD: What? Abstinence only sex ed? or Intelligent design?

KR: NO!! ...Please listen. Our files indicate that you've previously played the role of a Nanny.

FD: Sure, I did a show for six seasons called "The Nanny." Did you see it?

KR: Unlikely. I don't watch much TV except for FOX news... and UPN's "Girlfriends", of course. It's like "Sex & the City", only blacker and hotter! My favorite is Toni, she's insatiable!...

Anyway, what I'm referring to is the military's new disinformation program. We did a test run recently in order to save face when indiscretions about one of our Cabinet nominees surfaced. To bury them we just fed the press a perfectly good Nannygate excuse, assuming they'd buy it hook to sinker. Surprisingly, this time some journalists are actually doing their job, and are snooping around for the actual nanny. We don't have one. We need one. So that's where you come in.

FD: But Mr. Turdbloom, don't you think people are going to recognize me? Lifetime still airs reruns of my show!

KR: I'm holding your dossier prepared by the CIA, and it assures me that you're in no danger of being recognized. Now, your role will be to affirm and support everything our ex-Cabinet nominee, codename Horny Walrus, will say at a future press conference . We need you to just nod, agree, look sad, and-- above all-- to not volunteer anything that will lead to more questions. Can you do that for your country Ms. Drescher?

FD: I don't know. I think I should consult my friend Rob Reiner before I agree to this. It sounds fishy.

KR: Wait-- you know Meathead?! This file has nothing about you and that pinko.

FD: But I had a scene-stealing part in "Spinal Tap", which he directed. Fans still think it's some of my best work!

KR: God bless Texas! Spinal Tap is one funny movie! I can do the best imitation of that (*new voice*) "but mine goes to eleven" skit! Haw haw! (*knee slap*)

(*refocusing*) However, that information should clearly be in this dossier. Somehow it's missing... Dammit! I think the CIA is playing one of its practical jokes on me again! I told Goss to crack down on treasonous pranks like this!
(*Calmer*) Ok, do not speak about this conversation with anyone, especially that trouble-making Meathead. It never occurred. Goodbye.


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Honey, where's the holiday punch I spiked with SoCo? 


Life lesson: Never just assume a liquid is apple juice.

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

"We believe in God. Merry Christmas." 

This is the message of 100+ new yard signs that will soon be sprouting up in Terrebone parish. A local activist is on a crusade to put the "Christ" back in Christmas, and is trying to have "Merry Christmas" added to the "Season's Greetings" message already displayed prominently on the (big ugly) government building in downtown Houma. In the meantime, though, he's creating yard signs with the title quote on them. As the Houma Courier reports (use bugmenot if you don't subscribe)

[Joseph] Pinero, a well-known community activist who ran an unsuccessful campaign for parish president last year, said he was approached by area clergymen about the absence of "Merry Christmas" in the area.

He said he also noticed a lack of items to purchase in local stores that convey the message.

"You can't even buy a 'Merry Christmas' sign," Pinero said.

He's called an activist because this man acts. Stand back, kids!

Pinero's group has begun a movement to place signs in yards supporting the re-emphasis of religion in Christmas.

Citizens for Good Government has made an initial order of 100 12-by-14-inch signs that read "We believe in God. Merry Christmas."

Any way you read that, it comes off as charitable, loving, and not at all silly or vulnerable to scathing mockery.

The plans, Pinero said, are to distribute the signs to churches to give to members to place in their yard as part of their yearly Christmas decorating.

The signs cost the group $3.25 apiece, and Pinero is recommending the churches take $3.50 donations for the signs but give a sign to anyone who wants one but can't afford it.

Not to spoil the fun here, but, if someone owns a yard but can't afford the price of a combo meal... should acquiring a sign be their top priority? Really, if you're a homeowner who cares enough about this humorless cause to request a sign, but then have to explain to fellow "believers" why three-fitty is a budget-buster, well, I'm not sure you're making the best use of your time. (But then who am I to say? I blog.)

The ACLU is opposed to the religious message on the government building, but is a firm supporter of yard signs. Stay tuned...
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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Will act Cute for Nog. 

Colicky told me: "Daddy, this is my very first Christmas. Don't blow it."
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Humbly submitted for your consideration... 

Below are my nominations for this year's Koufax Awards.

Wouldn't it be splendid if a hard-working Pelican like Ricky got nominated for "Most Deserving of Wider Recognition"? I sure think so, since he operates what I consider to be the best blog in Louisiana.

Best Blog: Talking Points Memo
Best Writing: Digby
Best Series: Hobson's Choice "W.E.B. Du Bois" (8 parts)
Best Single Issue Blog: Jesus' General (Heterosexual Patriotism)
Best Group Blog: Needlenose
Most Humorous Blog: TBogg
Most Humorous Post: Norbizness "Made Up Demographics"
Most Deserving of Wider Recognition: Timshel!
Best Expert Blog: Informed Comment
Best New Blog: Empire Notes

I'm hoping next year they add a "Cleverest Titles" category.
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Monday, December 13, 2004

Durst. Overstatement. Ever. 

Limp Bizkit frontman on last week's murder of Metal guitarist "Dimebag":

last night was the 911 for metal to me and the metal community. not only did pantera inspire me to have the courage to express myself they were also one of my main motivations to form limp bizkit... a living legend has been taken from us. life has permanantly changed for me as of last night.

Learning that Dimebag helped inspire artistic expressions like "Nookie" makes his murder doubly tragic, in my view.

Yes, I believe Fred Durst is correct to describe this as Metal's 9/11. With his enviable verbal precision, I think he captured what we all were feeling deep inside. Similarly, when the drummer from Def Leppard lost his arm... that was my personal Madrid. When Ozzy urinated on the Alamo, that was my Oklahoma City. Though I cheered when Judas Priest's Rob Halford came out, homophobes compared it to Bali.

But I think everyone can agree that Korn's remake of "Word Up" is metal's Abu Ghraib.
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Ape me... Ape me, my friend. 

I'm not the only one ... (because I do what's always been done).

(h/t fantastic planet)
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We love... 

We love the unborn, but not their perverse visibility.

We love freedom, but not the dissidents who risk their lives to promote it.

And we love you, as long as you share our goals.
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Sunday, December 12, 2004

What screams may come 

I recommend reading or rereading these posts which contain the following quotes:

K. Drum:
Risk vs. security. At some point, the risk-based society that the Republican party is trying to build will finally come crashing down on them. In the meantime, it's up to Democrats to make sure that when it does, the blame falls exactly where it belongs.

As the social safety net slips away, and more and more uninsurable risk gets transferred to individuals, life at any particular level of average income gets unambiguously worse.

When the credit bubble pops, it will deal a cruel education upon many Americans who were unaware of their massive financial exposure to, say, rising interest rates. Bankruptcies and Foreclosures-- both near record levels already-- will see unprecedented increases. Naive bulls who thought the stock market finally crossed 10,000 for the final time may be disappointed yet again.

Who knows exactly what confluence or stupidity will trigger this rampant nastiness I'm predicting, but sometime during the Bush/Snow 2nd term is a good bet. When an ex-Cheerleader retains a Yes Man to sell discredited budgetary voodoo because no one else with any gravitas or talent wants such a scripted non-job, then, well, maybe that's not such a very good sign. Batten down the hatches, mates.

Remember: with pain comes opportunity. Not just political opportunity, either.
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Billy the Kid 

Tireless YRHT insiders tell us that defeated GOP House candidate Billy Tauzin III was partying this morning between 2-4am at Grits Bar in New Orleans. "Little Billy", as he was called in Democratic attack ads, wore a sunvisor (to keep a low profile?) while dancing closely with young college students.

It was a pity, though, that Billy neglected to wear his wedding ring amongst the uninhibited late night crowd. As one who fights for "the sanctity of marriage", and who prominently displayed his wife in advertisements, he should beware of sending out dreaded "mixed messages". Also, as one who is trying to overcome persistent "party boy" issues, I'm not sure mid-morning revelry at a bar frequently raided by police for under-aged drinking is the place to rehabilitate one's reputation. Just a thought.

Anyhow, Billy was partying with communications director Matt Gresham, the former spokesman for ex state rep Hunt Downer. Gresham recently told the media of Tauzin's desire to do some "hunting and fishing" after his defeat, though it was not made known exactly where Billy would engage in such pursuits.

You may recall Matt's name from the Times-Picayune's reporting last month (my emph):

According to the police report, Matt Gresham was issued a misdemeanor summons to answer a resisting-arrest complaint Oct. 26, after he became "very upset and rude" at the prospect of receiving a parking ticket, refused to provide his driver's license and said he "worked for a political person." When the officer told Gresham he was under arrest, Gresham balked and had to be "escorted . . . to the ground," according to the report.

I do get a kick out of that last line.

After seeing Billy Tauzin in person at Grits, a disgusted Republican from the 3rd district exclaimed, "I can't believe I wasted my vote on that guy."
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