The background to the story is as follows: after flooding devastated the city, Renee Gill Pratt appropriated an SUV donated by DaimlerChrysler to local first-responders (police, firefighters... etc), and used it as her personal vehicle for the next eight months. Then, just prior to the municipal elections in April, Renee donated the Durango to Care Unlimited. After failing to be re-elected, Ms. Gill Pratt took a job with Care Unlimited, whose president is Mose Jefferson (aka Mos Jef), the brother of Congressman William Jefferson (aka Dollar Bill, Cold Cash, Dead Presidents on Ice... etc).
Some watchdogs and bloggers raised hell about this suspicious coincidence. They felt the vehicle should have served the City that Care (Unlimited) Forgot-- not Ms. Gill Pratt's personal transportation needs, nor Mos Jef's "nonprofit" organization.
However, when asked to explain the suspicious circumstances, Renee Gill Pratt made an inspired statement. She said:
Sometimes God puts things in places for you.
I could not have been more proud of her after she said those powerful words. "Sometimes God puts things in places for you". Ain't that the absolute Truth!
See, it didn't occur to godless bloggers and treasonous media types that the Almighty "puts things in places" for our blessed leaders. God is an omnibenevolent deity, who gives to those who are ready to accept his abundance. Renee Gill Pratt understands that her Durango was a holy gift; it was part of the Divine plan-- otherwise why would it keep turning up in her possession? Huh? Riddle me that, you unbelieving critics! If the liberal media and local bloggers ever even opened a Bible, they'd understand that the God of Abraham occasionally requires a teleological suspension of the ethical in order to test his chosen instruments. This, I believe, was one of those circumstances.
Tragically, the media philistines put too much pressure on Gill Pratt, and she failed the Lord's test. Yesterday, she reluctantly returned her divine Durango.
The former New Orleans City Council member turned in the keys Friday to a Dodge Durango that was donated post-Katrina for use by police, fire or other public agencies but instead made its way to her driveway.
Ms. Gill Pratt... says that she hopes the return of the Durango and three other donated vehicles under her control will be the end of this controversy.
Do you suicidal heathens understand what you've done? Do you?! You've pressured a faithful servant-- a potential instrument of God, no less-- to return a gift from the Creator. You've forced a woman to reject an overture from the all-powerful Godhead... during hurricane season!! Are you people insane!? After Katrina, y'all want to anger the Supreme Being... yet again? Didn't our mayor warn us about doing that?
In short, I will blame the next hurricane on the media and local bloggers. It's their fault, not Renee's. They have indirectly angered the Heavenly Father by politically crucifying His chosen instrument in New Orleans. They don't understand God's Divine Plan for Ms. Gill Pratt and that Durango-- how could they? These are the same types who don't want decalogues in our courts, nor the words "under God" in our pledge. That tells you all you need to know right there. I can only pray that these critics repent their sins before the next counterclockwise wrath blows upon us.
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Oh, yeah. One more thing. Adrastos has the chutzpah to say that RGP isn't a good driver. Well, Monsieur Adrastos, have you ever considered the possibility that Renee might be Driving While Intoxicated... intoxicated on God!! She might be a latter day Spinoza, (perhaps the purest sage of all time).
And proper driving etiquette dictates that when an approaching motorist is communing with the Godhead, you should get out of her way... and wave palm fronds while she passes, if possible. It's similar to all those "in case of rapture" caveats you see on bumper stickers. Every driver who is not among the "twice born" should appreciate those helpful warnings. I'm certain many, many traffic accidents will be prevented on judgment day.
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Today's Times Picayuliar Automobile section reviews... take a gues... the Dodge Durango! If that isn't serendipity, I don't know what is.
(But if you want a newspaper car review that's not complete fluffery, and is actually useful, read James R. Healey's Friday "Test Drive" column from USA Today. I think he's spot on.)
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Long, long ago, your humble bivalve sold 4 x 4 Dodge Durangos to soccer moms who never planned to stray off paved surfaces. The Durango's fuel economy was so bad that it should have been rated in Gallons per Mile, not the other way around. No matter. Gas was cheap back then, and minivans were viewed (incorrectly) as uncool.
Now, looking back through the lens of current events, I see that it was all part of the Divine plan. Americans have been chosen to live an abundant lifestyle, and this lifestyle should never be compromised. RGP understood that, and I'm glad I was able to assist in that effort.
By the way, my boss was a silver haired New Orleans patriarch who "bridged the gap" by promising that his family was "here to stay... we're not going away". A few years later the dealership was sold.
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A Previous YRHT Ramones tribute post that that contains the word "Durango" can be found here.
Also: As y'all know, in the sixties Anthony Burgess wrote a prescient book about young man named Alex who drove a Durango 95 and acted all horrorshow. Eventually he learns that if a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man. Alex's choices, unfortunately, were not so gorgeous.
Conversely, RGP was tryint to do the right thing, and we forced her to go against her will, and mock our Creator by returning the gift he specifically placed for her. Heaven help us.
