Saturday, July 26, 2008

Piece it, Cohen!

Wapo's Richard Cohen:

Today's [tattoos] are gargantuan, inevitably tacky, gauche and ugly. They bear little relationship to the skin that they're on. They don't represent an indelible experience or membership in some sort of group but an assertion that today's whim will be tomorrow's joy.

YRHT would like to point out that Cohen is a mook and that illustrated women are sexy.

* (title phrase explanation)


Kevin Allman said...

I almost wrote about that this week -- Cohen seemed to be stretching to make a comparison between tattoos and the credit crisis as twin symbols of a yay-today, screw-tomorrow culture. Or something.

Ultimately I decided not to write about it because I couldn't be sure what he was saying.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Well, I have achieved my badge of honor: dissed by Richard Cohen. I have no further aspirations. Is there an emblem that I could put on my blog? Perhaps just the quote would do. Thanks for the heads-up, Oyster, and thanks for the compliment. You da man!

E said...

The subtext here is that Richard Cohen was paid off by my Jewish parents to say all that.

Leigh C. said...

Not just YOUR parents...

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

1. Cohen is what, three or four hundred years old and about as culturally relevant as, say, MC Hammer? And how fucking creepy is it to picture this old geezer staring at the tramp-stamps on 20-something-year-old girls as they ascend staircases? {{{{{{shudder!!!}}}}}} Viagra is a very VERY bad thing.

2. From his snide, condescending, class-warfare tone, one can surmise that he's never actually WORKED a day in his precious, privileged life, broken a sweat outside of an exclusive fitness club, or earned a single callus except on his crony old feet.

3. Tattoos are not FOR everyone, that's why you have to go INTO the tattoo parlor and pick or design what you want, and then pay somebody to create it. While I understand the pain, for survivors of the Holocaust, who had no choice in being branded like livestock, of seeing tattoos upon their descendants' flesh --- this has nothing to do with that. If you don't LIKE tattoos, (or abortions), DON'T HAVE ONE. Pretty fucking simple, wouldn'tcha think?

4. Who in the fuck IS this old coot to decide WHO will regret their investments in personal art, and when?!??! Does he regret that he never had a CHIN installed? Does he regret the Ken-doll permanent-plastic hairstyle that he's apparently had since 1964??? Does he regret every woman that he ever treated like shit, and go out seeking those women to make reparations (oh, yeah, this guy's got issues, to make such presumptions about the "ownership" of WOMEN'S SKIN AND BODIES) or at the very least, APOLOGIES for being such a lousy lay?

Finally, nothing pisses me off more than to hear people who are UTTERLY FUCKING IGNORANT of the millennia-old tradition of tatu, tattooing, and the symbolism behind thousands of ethnic histories and stories told in skin ink. If you don't know anything ABOUT tattoos, at least do your few readers (I can't imagine how this doddering fool keeps employment), from what I've witnessed of Cohen's work over the years --- do those readers the favor of DOING THE FUCKING RESEARCH. Google is your friennnnnnnnnnddd. Do. The. Fucking. Homework. That's what JOURNALISM is supposed to mean, that you actually KNOW WHAT IN THE FUCK WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, that you actually UNDERSTAND the story that you're telling. This guy is as useless as tits on a boar hog, or to the less-colloquially-minded, Andy Rooney.

And his lame-ass segue into the state of the economy, upon which he seems to have an even weaker grasp than his knowledge of tattoos --- that was only as awkward as, say, Al & Tipper Gore's tonsil-hockey at the 2000 convention. Dude. Don't you at least have a COPY EDITOR?!?!?!?

Thank you for slapping this moron for me, Erster; if I'd have done it, I'd have popped more than a few aneurysms. I'm so fucking sick and tired of having to explain the history, meaning, and culture of tattoo to bigoted, classist, higher-income-bracket CRACKERS who lash out at those of us who are brave enough to display our innards on our outtards* BECAUSE WE ARE PROUD OF WHO WE ARE AND WHAT OUR ART REPRESENTS.

I might have to re-run that old Dragon's Den rant, originally directed towards some little poufy-haired Tulane frat-boy who made the mistake of coming into MY house and talking about how tattoos were a "fad" and how "trampy" it made ALL women look, and blah blah blah look at me, I have a trust fund, so I'm automatically smarter, better, and a higher order of human being than YOU are, you sweaty, unseemly, working-class mooks. Throw in some Rush Fatfuck Limbaugh sexist-troglodyte-cocksucker stereotypes, and that's the poufy boy in a nutshell. Needless to say, my rant was received a bit more favorably than little bottle-blonde frat-boy's. Ahhh, youth...

Hey, when you're still in stasis, suspended in inertia, those memories of when you were cool become all the more precious. Sue me, I'm a dork who lives in my rare happy moments from the past.

Congrats on your lovely Fleur-de-Lis, Mimi! Who was your artist? Do you think that you've been bitten by the ink bug, or is this a one-off?

I'm only three years behind in my collecting, that's how long I've been needing a commemorative piece for my murdered nephew, just never had the cash. And seeing as how my former regular artist lost his fucking mind to GHB, and I'm hardly within day-trip range of NOLA (the back is not ready yet, but it's getting there), I'm going to have to find somebody in (gack!) Baton Rouge, if & when I ever get the ink money. If anybody's got any recommendations, please let me know. My nieces tell me good things about the guys on Government Street, but I haven't met any of them yet.

And Erster, if I can ever get anybody to photograph my collection, I'll make sure to send you the link when I post the ones I'm not worried about being stolen. My best one, unfortunately, has made the underground rounds in certain tattoo convention circles, so I've seen dozens of bad copies of that one, but I am still damned proud of it, considering that it was all SINGLE-NEEDLE, going for BONE. And it STILL looks brand-damned new and perfect. But that one probably won't go on the blog. I've been copied and ripped-off enough for one lifetime.

Enough rambling outta me. Thanks for letting me blather on about one of my favorite topics, though. As always, Erster, you are my favorite bivalve.

*(and no, "outtards" does not refer to fucktards who KNOW that they're fucktards and they're PROUD OF IT, it means the organs on the outside of our bodies, like our SKIN, our biggest organ aside from The Hedgehog Ron Jeremy, whose biggest organ is his PELT.)

Grandmère Mimi said...

Congrats on your lovely Fleur-de-Lis, Mimi! Who was your artist? Do you think that you've been bitten by the ink bug, or is this a one-off?

Anntichrist, thank you. I'm a one-tattoo woman. I won't do it again. I only ever wanted one, and it took me 10 or 12 years to get up my courage to do that one.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Well, honey, that's how it always ought to be! Trust me, I've made the mistake of a impulse-purchase tattoo, and you can't return THAT with a receipt and be done with it!

I decided that I wanted a tattoo when I was 18, but waited until I was 21 to make SURE that I was truly ready to commit to an image, and it had to be an image that truly fit ME. So for my 21st birthday, I got my first, a lovely quill in a coke-bottle-green inkwell (modeled after one of mine in the small, low-rent collection). 15 years later, I got a companion tat to go with it (from the left boob/heart to the right one), of an EV studio mic, as I always used in my belated/beknighted radio "career," as well as when I did spoken-word in the Marigny and Uptown. Unfortunately, it's tune-up time for the quill again, as the last time it was updated (never EVER let ANY artist, no matter how long you've known them or how much you trust them, USE AN "EXPERIMENTAL NEW INK" on you, or you will be getting refreshments/touch-ups for the rest of your life!), my FORMER regular artist used a 3-pack needle on the outlining, which it really didn't need in the first damned place, and now the black is overtaking the perfect shades of pink and coke-bottle green.

So I'm looking for a reference here, Grandmere m'love, who did your lovely work?

And don't you ever let any amateurs give you any flack for being a one-tattoo woman, 'cause that's who you are and you are more than entitled to enjoy YOUR one tattoo as much as you wanna. For me, it was an almost instantaneous addiction, and I never intend to give it up, I'm just stalled in-progress. But as I said above, tattoos aren't FOR everybody, and even for people who decide that they want one, they ought to have one that, like yours, they truly LOVE and that truly reflects THEM, and I think that you did a stellar job on both points.

So wear it loud and proud, Grandmere, and enjoy it as much as you can! Please do take care of your skin, though; I've got delicate/thin skin myself (advanced skin aging because of sarcoidosis), so please stay out of the sun, even after it's completely healed, ALWAYS use sunscreen on it, even if you aren't wearing it anywhere else, at the highest SPF you can use (I highly recommend Coppertone Sport Spray, 50 spf; but if you're on the beach or river, wear Off! spray on top of that, because blackflies ARE attracted to the Coppertone!), don't OVERLY moisturize (while healing, Tattoo Goo or whatever aftercare salve your artist recommends is usually best, as they are WATER-BASED, unlike Neosporin, which is petroleum-jelly based, and can cause blisters by preventing absorption of the moisture you need for healthy skin and don't allow the skin to get the oxygen that it needs to heal) as too much moisture can lead to bacteria and scaly peeling. Just keep it clean with soft/gentle soaps (pHisoderm is an excellent one), don't let it be abraded or exfoliated, and show it off as much as you can!

And even though I lost New Orleans on Xmas of '02 and have wanted to come home ever since, it does my heart good to see a NATIVE sporting a fleur de lis, as opposed to all of these Baton Rouge bourgeoisie bitches with TIGER-STRIPED f.d.l., turning OUR HISTORY into THEIR CHEESY L.S.U. MARKETING, not to mention some of the tackiest "Home Interior party"-looking SCHLOCK I've seen this side of a Harahan yard sale. The Lily Of France does NOT belong to these Red Stick redneck republicunts, dammit, and they can damned well stop appropriating it!

Trust me, I grew up around these mooks, and they have ALWAYS hated/envied/maligned/slandered New Orleans at every fucking turn, whether they were dry-parish baptists railing against the "sin and perversity" or sadiddy-ass episcopalians/catholics-lite/etc. who thought that New Orleans wasn't stuck-up enough to be "as good" as their pretentious-ass hick selves who think that THEY are "society" whereas New Orleans is just "old."

Pfft. Fuckin' amateurs who have no concept of the strong women and hell-raising men who built that city over five hundred years of madness and colonialism, much less the Baroness Michaela y Almonaster de Pontalba!

Y'know how there's a law now, stating that no commercial product can call itself "Cajun" if it's made outside of Louisiana? We need a copyright on the damned Fleur-de-Lis, that it cannot be used by any artists, marketers, mass-produced sweatshops in China, or anyfuckingthing ELSE that's originating from OUTSIDE OF ORLEANS PARISH.

You just don't know, Grandmere, what it's like, being surrounded by these ig'nant redneck republicunts, all de time, all de time. I miss y'all so much, honey, I'd give anything in this world to somehow find a place and a way to come home.

Keep up the good work and never stop fighting to preserve the real New Orleans, Grandmere Mimi!

Grandmère Mimi said...

AnntiChrist, the tattoo artist is in Kansas City, MO. Here's the info on The Illustration Man.

I am a native of NOLA, but I don't live there any longer. I've lived in Thibodaux for 39 years, but I still want to live in New Orleans. It's the home of my heart. At least, I'm in Cajun land.

Many years ago while I was in graduate school, I lived in Baton Rouge, and I didn't much like it. I hope I don't offend anyone.

Thanks for all the information on the care and feeding of tattoos. I didn't know that they required so much attention.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Hey, my pleasure. After you get past the initial healing phase, there's really not too much to do, aside from sunscreen. Just treat it as you treat the rest of your skin, and it ought to hold up well. I just like to take the opportunity, whenever it's open, to educate people about how to avoid some of the tragedies that I've seen over the years. Thankfully, I've been lucky in that none of my color has ever really "dropped-out" on me, except on my first tat, as mentioned above, but when I was hosting the NOLA tattoo conventions and at other conventions, I've seen the entire panoply of what can go wrong. I've seen awe-inspiring artwork that should've hung in the Louvre, and I've seen crappy scratching that looked like it was just released from prison.

And since so few people actually DO the research before they invest in skin art, I try and throw as much of it out there as I can. Good artists will never work on anyone who comes in drunk (as is often the case in NOLA, Vegas, Miami, etc.), but not all artists have those scruples, so it's up to the consumers to watch out for themselves.