Saturday, January 03, 2009

Hedonistic blow-out 

For the past four years or so, my wife has given me a book of special coupons for Christmas (among other gifts). These special certificates are redeemable only to her for things like: a favorite meal, a long kiss, a cessation in nagging, a back rub, an adult handshake... etc.

Over the years, instead of using these books of coupons, I've decided to save them. (They have no expiration date printed on them, you see.) So I have like 60 different favors and services coming to me, and I'm impishly considering using all of them in one fabulous week (for me). Clever, huh?

My wife Lovely apparently views the coupons as a "win-win" X-mas present. I win because each year she gives me a thoughtful, homemade expression of her love for me, and she wins because I never redeem any of the coupons.

Well, that might change. Like I said, I'm quite tempted to use all of the saved coupons in a 1 week time-frame. A hedonistic blow-out, if you will. (Assume this is more important to me than it would seem.) How bad would that be?

In the comments and the poll please tell me what you think of my idea, by indicating which of the following reactions is most similar to your own.

1. This is not funny or cute, just mean. You don't deserve any of those coupons in the first place, and I'm sure Lovely intended for those books of coupons to expire in 1 year. Use a few of the ones from X-mas '08 if you must, and save the rest as keepsakes.

2. A deal's a deal. But you better Laugh it up this week, Scuzzball, because you'll pay for it later-- with interest.

3. Oyster, this devious little "redemption extravaganza" isn't noble behavior. But it is sort of funny. You're guaranteed to "make a memory" out of this silliness (and the painful aftermath), and "it will serve for sweet discourses in [the] time to come."

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Thursday, January 01, 2009

Feast of the Circumcision 

Continuing with the high-toned theme from last post, we should note that today marks the anniversary of Jesus' circumcision.

Can I get a "Hallelujah" for the steady hands that trimmed the Nazarene's stamen?
And an "Amen"?
You can do better than that.
Thank you.

Tragically, the Holy Prepuce was stolen in 1983. Thus, for the past quarter century we've celebrated the Feast of the Circumcision with a nagging uncertainty and shame. Why did our generation have to lose (part of) the body of Christ? (It was in a shoebox in a priest's closet for goodness sakes-- how much more secure can you get?) Now I worry that we might all be cursed for eternity. Where is it? Who stole it? Worse still: what if the thieves misplaced or discarded the divine foreskin? Is there a small chance that any random piece of dead skin you see lying around might be... could be... the Holy Prepuce? Should we save all unclaimed pieces of dead skin that we find floating around, just in case? It's a scenario worth considering.


In his yearly recap Drive-By Blogger claims that, back in October, he taught himself how to perform a circumcision. While we applaud DBB's attempt to broaden his rather narrow skill set, he could've simply asked Florida QB Tim Tebow to show him the ropes, rather than learn it the hard way.

Please Note: Despite the uncanny similarities, Drive-By Blogger and F*** My Life blog are totally separate entities.
Update: Grandmere Mimi has more on the (Removable) Feast.


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Wednesday, December 31, 2008


It's the end of the year, and I wanted to tie up a loose end that's been dangling for a number of months.

Regular readers know that I keep tabs on news stories about Romanian penises, and I forgot to inform everyone that there has been an update to an important story from 2007.

BUCHAREST, Romania - A court has ordered a Romanian surgeon to pay $795,000 in compensation to a patient whose penis he accidentally severed during an operation.

In July 2004, Dr. Naum Ciomu made a surgical error while operating on the man's testicles, severing the penis instead of making an incision to the testicle.

You might be wondering, "How do you 'accidentally' sever a penis while operating on the balls?" Rightfully so. Here's how it really went down:

Surgeon Naum Ciomu, who had been suffering from stress at the time, had been operating on patient Nelu Radonescu, 36, to correct a testicular malformation when he suddenly lost his temper.

Grabbing a scalpel, he sliced off the penis in front of shocked nursing staff, and then placed it on the operating table where he chopped it into small pieces before storming out of the operating theatre at Bucharest hospital.

This wasn't a mere accident. Doktor Giggles' wrist didn't slip. No, he made a mistake during the operation, in front of an audience, and then became so highly frustrated that he lopped off the patient's willy and started slicing and dicing like he was auditioning to become a Genitorturer. Anyhow, back to the news item:

The Bucharest Magistrates Court ruled Friday that Ciomu had been "superficial" in his approach to the operation, ordered the fine and handed Ciomu a one-year suspended prison sentence. The ruling can be appealed.

I don't know what word the Court should've used in its ruling, here, but I'm pretty damn sure "superficial" doesn't cut it (pardon the pun).

A piece of muscle from the man's arm has now been attached to where his penis was, but its function is aesthetic.

I'm sure that's just as good.

So, let's recap: this Romanian chap looks down every day and sees deformed balls and a flaccid piece of decorative arm muscle where his deal used to be... and then his wife left him. But he got $800k. I mean *shudder*... if a hideous incident like this ever happened to me, I might just tell them to transplant my entire arm between my legs, instead of a wee slice of muscle. You know, lean into the tragedy. Go for the "full-on" freakishness. Get special pants so you can "low five" like a champ. (Sorry, the image of the groin-arm sparked my sordid imagination.) Back to the story:

"You don't have to be an expert to realize that the 33-year-old victim [now 37] does not have a good state of mind," said Mihai Olariu, the victim's lawyer.

I guess not. But it puts things in perspective.

Happy 2009, to Mr Radonescu, and to everyone else. Hope the new year is less fragmented for you than 2008.

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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Hank uberstanks 

Jim Kunstler writes his 36,794th post declaring the end of civilization as we know it... but these days more people are taking him seriously:

This is very dangerous territory. In dollar terms, the numbers being applied to the various problems are so colossal -- trillions! -- that the death of our currency seems assured. And in defiance of congress's express intentions, none of the TARP "money" has been applied to its targeted purpose of buying up "toxic" (i.e. fraudulent) securities hidden in the vaults of banks, pension funds, and municipal portfolios.
Mr. Obama's pick for attorney general, the mild-looking Eric Holder, may be the key figure in the early months of the new government. If he doesn't commence some aggressive investigations and prosecutions -- beginning with Henry Paulson for insider trading when he was in charge of Goldman Sachs and shorting his own company's mortgage-backed securities -- then the whole Obama enterprise could fall under suspicion of illegitimacy. The bums who ran the US banking sector into a ditch have to account for their turpitudes. They can't be allowed to hide under a TARP.

I certainly don't expect an aggressive investigation of Treasury Secretary Paulson to occur, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't. The more I learn about "Hank", the more I want to vomit. Did you know that prior to his career at Government Sachs, Paulson was assistant to John Ehrlichman during the events of the Watergate scandal?

Not ready to spew, yet? Well then read Dave Zirin's piece on Hank and his son Merritt, and have a bucket handy. Their latest bamboozlement is a doozy.

Then consider using one of your X-mas gift cards to purchase Zirin's new book, A People's History of Sports in the United States.


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