1. The urge to sully Grandmere Mimi's wholesome post about Louisiana's Pink Dolphin (with a comment containing the word "waxing" or "flogging") is hard to restrain.
2. Speaking of organ solos, Quintron has a new video out. It's pretty cool and contains a lyric about "babysitting dolphins". Here's the cover of his new album.
3. A new Citgo ad campaign showcases gas station owners in "one of a kind" American towns. One of the ads is set in the Conch Republic, and asserts that Key West is America's "southernmost" city. Sorta how Tejas is America's largest state.
4. I'm keenly disappointed that Dr. John Cooksey won't run against Senator Vitter in the 2010 Republican primary.
Cooksey is a former U.S. House Rep who sat on the International Relations Subcommittee for the Middle East and South Asia. After 9/11, Cooksey had a brilliant proposal for who should be investigated and interrogated in connection with the terrorist attacks:
"If I see someone (who) comes in that's got a diaper on his head and a fan belt wrapped around the diaper on his head, that guy needs to be pulled over."
"Pulled over"? Hell, when it comes to protecting our country why not just shoot first and ask for forgiveness later? (Cooksey later apologized claiming, unpersuasively, that his comment only referred to Osama bin Laden. I wish International Relations specialist Cooksey would find an old-school Sikh and mock his turban, his ancestry, and his sword. Then Cooksey could lecture him on the history of radical Islam and the dangers it presents to "our" culture. In fact, I'd pay to see that exchange.)
So, the obvious point here is that a GOP primary with Cooksey and Vitter would have been absolutely loaded with diaper baggage.
5. That reminds me: I recently purchased a box of defective flushable wipes. In what way were they defective? Well... how can I put this? The concentration of "cleansers and emollients" on the wipes exceeded any conceivable household or industrial standard. By a long stretch. And, most unfortunately, the day I first put these new wipes to use was also the day I was suffering from an inflamed case of 'rhoid rage. You follow me? Ok. So, after doing my business (which wasn't much fun to begin with), I proceeded to wipe the affected region. But instead of the mild, cool, soothing effect I was expecting, there was a burst of pain so sudden and sharp that I swore a sewer rat had come out the toilet and was biting my anus. I launched off the seat in shock and ran around the bathroom yelping like a scalded dog, waving my hands around my soiled backside trying to find the vicious rodent who was lock-jawed on my ass.
This scene probably continued for at least five minutes.
Ok, it wasn't five minutes; more like five seconds. But it was an intense five seconds, and it took about five minutes for me to recover and figure out that I hadn't been attacked. Sweating, I grabbed the box from the floor and removed another wipe. I inspected it, and it did feel odd-- saturated but weirdly coarse. Definitely something to be avoided. Yet, I was becoming fascinated by the horrible potency of the defective wipe in my hand. I wondered, how in tarnation could such an innocent looking towlette explode my pain sensors like that? Curiosity was getting the better of me. I kept looking down at the wipe and then up at my blotched, bloodshot face in the bathroom mirror. Down and up, down and up. I laughed at what I was contemplating. Surely any normal human would throw the wipe in the toilet and quickly clean up and then make a beeline for the Cortisone 10 with aloe. But I didn't.
Thus, in an act of infinite stupidity, your humble narrator purposely applied a second highly defective wipe to his tender, throbbing bottom. Just to see.
6. Obligatory link to humorous ass shaving story.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
I ammm, an immature ma-a-an, oh yes I am
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9 Comments:
TMI
My eyes are burning from reading about the defective wipes, about as bad as your anus must have hurt from said wipes.
LOL @ 'roid rage though. Very good.
Your toxic asswipe story reminded ("your humble narrator purposely applied a second highly defective wipe") reminded me of that time this nation gave George W. Bush a second term.
By 
, at
2:00 PM
Wicked, wicked, wicked, Oyster. You're gonna hafta go back and get more ashes.
By 
Grandmère Mimi, at
2:08 PM
Ummmm, I cry TMI on this post...
...after I quit laughing so hard I'm crying, that is.
I warned y'all in the title.
Oh how very much I understand point 5- been suffering with this for decades. Never really had the wipe problem. (I cringed at your description of the pain)
Next week I'm getting a colonoscopy as a prelude to the Docs fixing me with a laser. I told them to knock me out for the test and definitely put me down for the repair. (No need to kill doctors)
By GentillyGirl, at
10:25 PM
Oh. Dear.
That wicked woman sent me here, and in Lent too.
My father used to tell of the time he put some Vaseline on a rectal thermometer many years ago, only he had accidentally grabbed the Musterole. A mistake he never repeated.
Erster you had better hurry up before the law changes and you can no longer do the Morris Bart testimonial ad, "Morris Bart got me $ (state amount) for my firey rear ender..."
By , at
8:52 AM
5 points to Ricardo for most painful pun.
Bless yer heart, Erster, I feel yer pain. Not right this instant, obviously, but nonetheless...
Did you actually accidentally swap-out the hypoallergenic hiney-wipes for those Windex Window Wipes, or possibly some of those emollient-laden Armour-All wipes?
I'm still chortling, obviously, but DEY AIN'T SUPPOSED TO HURT LIKE DAT, MAN.
Didja go and park yer behind in the freezer door to reduce some of the inflammation, I hope?
By Anntichrist S. Coulter, at
2:17 AM