It's me, Vitty-cent, and I'd like to begin this YRHT guest post by wishing all my fellow American citizens a very Merry Christmas. Second, I want to thank oyster for giving me this opportunity to address an important issue: Tiger Woods' serious sin.
If you're like me and don't follow sports regularly, you may not know that Eldrick "Tiger" Woods is a successful Afro-Asian American golfer who has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle. In many ways, I can relate to Tiger's current circumstances. However, I think I can also relate to Tiger in general.
For example:
Ever since we were in diapers, Tiger and I have been focused on rising to the top of our chosen professions.
Tiger likes to wear a signature red color during the final round of a golf tournament, and I like to use a signature blue color for my political campaigns.
Tiger capitalizes on his opponents' fear during crunch time, and I practically invented that maneuver.
He plays on grass, and I play on grassroots. When the need arises, we both have a bunker mentality. Also, we both wash our balls regularly.
Most importantly, I think Tiger and I sometimes feel alone and friendless, like it's us against the world, and everyone's out to get us.
...
I'm sure there's many more general similarities between Tiger and I-- it's fairly clear that we are bosom brothers from another mother-- but let's review the similarities between him and myself regarding the specific matter at hand.
It's now widely known that Tiger Woods has had steamy sexual affairs with multiple women while he was married with children. I, on the other hand, had to pay escorts to simulate steamy extra-marital affairs (which is almost the same thing but just a little more pathetic).
Neither Tiger nor myself thought we'd ever get caught, but we both used the telephone to set up our liaisons, and that came back to bite us in the ass. Lesson learned.
Tiger's wife Elin went ballistic with a golf club over Tiger's cheating, and my wife once threatened to cut off my little bobbet if I ever cheated on her.
Tiger got into an automotive collision while he was fleeing from uncomfortable questions related to his affairs, and so did I one time but it wasn't my fault.
One of Tiger's mistresses told the media about his small calves. Similarly, one of my escorts blabbed about certain body issues that I have, too... but I'll mention here that they make pills for my condition now and I'm sure I'll be seeing results soon.
Alright, that's enough. You get the picture. Tiger and I have many shared similar experiences. During the past week, I contacted Tiger and offered him my advice on how to craft an apologetic statement that will get him through this ordeal.
As you know, my abiding strategy over the years was to lie about allegations of cheating to the media, to complicit supporters, to pastors and to the public at large. Then, when I was caught, I went into hiding and avoided discussing the issue until media scrutiny became unbearable. Finally, I was forced to make a vague public statement with my wife by my side. Ever since, I've refused to elaborate on it. This tactic has served me well, because other politicians had to resign for doing the same thing I did, whereas I'm still in office and am leading the polls in my bid for re-election. High five!
I gave Tiger some advice on his statement, and now that he released it I'm eager to see how it reads. Please join me in comparing excerpts from his recent statement to the one I made in 2007. I'll share my insights about what I told him along the way.
First, of course, you need to do a sincere-sounding apology to all the people you've "let down". Just bite the bullet and get it out of the way.
VC: I want to, again, offer my deep, sincere apologies to all those I have let down and disappointed with these actions from my past.
Tiger: I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart.
After that, you must discuss how you're dealing (or dealt) with it, but also imply that it's none of anyone's business.
VC: Wendy and I dealt with this personally several years ago. I confronted it in confession and marriage counseling.
Tiger: I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family.
Ok. Now, for goodness sake talk about your "values".
VC: Since then, I've gotten up every morning, committed to trying to live up to the important values we believe in.
Tiger: I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves.
With all that crap out of the way, you are now free to take a righteous swipe at the media. Be sure to question their motivations and tell them they're wrong about something. They hate that.
VC: [My] admission has encouraged some long-time political enemies and those hoping to profit from the situation to spread falsehoods... like those New Orleans stories in recent reporting. Those stories are not true.
Now, having said all of this, I'm not going to answer endless questions about it all over again and again and again and again. That might sell newspapers, but it wouldn't serve my family or my constituents well...
Tiger: Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious.
Now emphasize the obvious fact that you're not perfect, in case people were still wondering. (My wife helped me on this one.)
Mrs VC: Like all marriages, ours is not perfect.
Tiger: I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect.
One thing I advised Tiger to do was to use the word "sin". It's a good one. In my statement, I said "serious sin", which is a pretty heavy phrase. Naturally, Tiger couldn't use my signature phrase but I told him to find his own way to work it in. The important thing to do, though, was to say "sin" as a singular. No matter how much humpin he did with however many mistresses, I told him "sin" in the singular would cover it. Let's see how he managed.
VC: "serious sin"No, Tiger! Don't use the plural. You'd think a Stanford grad could remember one simple instruction. That's bad. But, no worries, he can get back on track with a big finish. My advice: change the subject and conclude by invoking the specter of illegal aliens.
Tiger: "Personal sins..."
VC: I'll be following up on our important defeat of a bad immigration bill by working for good border and workplace security.
Tiger: For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.
How disappointing. I can't allow Tiger a mulligatawny for that blunder. Overall, I'd give Tiger a B+ for his statement.
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Update: Bike Scout gives my guest post a "thumbs up"!
Labels: sports, Vitty-cent
