Friday, April 02, 2010

Obamanomics Job Destruction Report for Neue Sozialist Amerika 

Bureau of Proletariat releases labor situazion papers on continued destruction of USA Free Enterprise system by Premier Kommissar Obama. Let's see how capitalism inevitably tore itself to pieces (with our help!) last month:

Nonfarm payroll employment increased by 162,000 in March, and the unemployment rate held at 9.7 percent, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported today.
The change in total nonfarm payroll employment for January was revised from -26,000 to +14,000, and the change for February was revised from -36,000 to -14,000.

Oh No! How can this be?

Premier Kommissar Obama is leader who insists on hearing bad news immediately. This turn of events will not please him. But I will tell him this is only one month. Be patient. Internal contradictions of capitalism will manifest themselves next report, and our plan will be back on traintracks.

I hope.

Update: Comrade Patrick has circulated report throughout headquarters.

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Thursday, April 01, 2010

"In the garden I was playing the tart, I kissed your lips and broke your heart" 

I don't get to write the word "Maundy" very often, so let me send out profound Maundy Thursday wishes to all the Christians in the house. Today, we remember the Nazarene's command to love one another-- let's get to it!

Holy Thursday is a pretty dramatic day in the ole' New Testament. There's a supper spiced with suspicion, an orchard fertilized with sweat, oil rubs followed by kissing, swordplay and faith healing, silver and suicide, prayer and narcolepsy, olive trees and blood fields, an angry mob stoked with the fear of insurrection... You can't beat it! And did I mention there's betrayal on top of betrayal on top of betrayal?

What a crazy night! They should make a movie about it. Hang Over: the prequel.

Here's Bono and U2, in full JC rockstar pose, celebrating the day as only they can.

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Congratulations to Mayor Cory Booker, and all the residents of Newark:

For the first time in more than 40 years, an entire calendar month has come and gone without a homicide in [New Jersey's] largest city.

I would like to celebrate such a milestone in New Orleans.


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Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I'm nauseous nauseated hearing these apologists for banks who will no longer be raking in corporate welfare profits for merely administering federal student loans.

"See, the kids wanna pay more for the next 120 months because they just loooove that personal service from their local banker."

Right. That's all the kids raved about in college, the personal loan service they received at their local financial institution. If the banksters are so sure that young scholars will pay more for service, aren't they free to brave the marketplace and compete for customers with their best non-federal student loan products? What a bunch of coddled whiners.

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Mid-season form 

Greenwald really knocked it out of the park with this piece on corporatism.


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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Parade scars 

Recently at a local tavern, my barmate explained the scar on his face. He had drunkenly fallen off an Irish parade float... in the staging area. Did a faceplant into the concrete and blacked out. There was a lot of blood, and he awoke to his friend telling him "you're going to be ok, you're going to be ok". They were able to close his split eyebrow with duct tape, and he rode in the parade with his friends, and much merriment and playfulness ensued.

He said to me, "I'm from L.A., and I've thrown a lot of parties there. But riding in that parade was the funnest time I ever had."


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Monday, March 29, 2010

RNC chills at bondage bar 

The Daily Caller reports:

A February [Republican National Committee trip] to California... included a $9,099 stop at the Beverly Hills Hotel, $6,596 dropped at the nearby Four Seasons, and [$1,946.25] spent at Voyeur West Hollywood, a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex.

Hi. Vitty-cent here. I think these RNC expenditures are highly questionable and should be thoroughly investigated with an in-depth audit. By me. Please. There are still unanswered questions about this, such as: how freaky did the dancers get? Were they tipped sufficiently? Are they willing to travel and do parties?.. etc. We need to get to the bottoms of this, and fast. With your approval, I will personally handle the matter with all the professionalism and good taste that you've come to expect from me.

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Sunday, March 28, 2010

Devil takes children's hindmost, now all roads lead to Rome 

Earlier this month, The Telegraph interviewed the Vatican's chief excorcist:

Father Gabriele Amorth said people who are possessed by Satan vomit shards of glass and pieces of iron.

Ok, well, I also hear that the possessed pass health care insurance reform, but I'm no expert.

He added that the assault on Pope Benedict XVI on Christmas Eve by a mentally unstable woman and the sex abuse scandals which have engulfed the Church in the US, Ireland, Germany and other countries, were proof that the Anti-Christ was waging a war against the Holy See.

Yes, we've been told Armageddon is apparently at hand. But whatever the calendar says, don'tcha hate it when satan embodies priests and makes them molest hundreds of deaf children? Or did he just whisper in their ear and grossly misinform them about the true meaning of "devil take the hindmost". Either way, it's led to a hot sulphuric mess.

"The Devil resides in the Vatican and you can see the consequences," said Father Amorth, 85, who has been the Holy See's chief exorcist for 25 years.
While there was "resistance and mistrust" towards the concept of exorcism among some Catholics, Pope Benedict XVI has no such doubts, Father Amorth said. "His Holiness believes wholeheartedly in the practice of exorcism. He has encouraged and praised our work," he added.

The evil influence of Satan was evident in the highest ranks of the Catholic hierarchy, with "cardinals who do not believe in Jesus and bishops who are linked to the demon," Father Amorth said.

Yikes. Sounds serious. If that is truly the case, no one at the Vatican should be giving these evil men a "demon pass".

The Catholic Reporter says the stakes are high and it's time for answers:

We now face the largest institutional crisis in centuries, possibly in church history. How this crisis is handled by Benedict, what he says and does, how he responds and what remedies he seeks, will likely determine the future health of our church for decades, if not centuries, to come.

It is time, past time really, for direct answers to difficult questions. It is time to tell the truth.

Christopher Hitchens offers an assessment with which I agree:

The happiness and the health of countless children was systematically destroyed by men who could count on their clerical bosses to shield them from legal retribution and, it seems, even from moral condemnation. A bit of "therapy" or a swift change of locale was the worst that most of them had to fear.

Almost every week, I go and debate with spokesmen of religious faith. Invariably and without exception, they inform me that without a belief in supernatural authority I would have no basis for my morality. Yet here is an ancient Christian church that deals in awful certainties when it comes to outright condemnation of sins like divorce, abortion, contraception, and homosexuality between consenting adults. For these offenses... moral absolutism is invoked. Yet let the subject be the rape and torture of defenseless children, and at once every kind of wiggle room and excuse-making is invoked. What can one say of a church that finds so much latitude for a crime so ghastly that no morally normal person can even think of it without shuddering?

I'm curious, does our amateur exorcism-attending Governor believe these frocked "monsters" (as he likes to call them) should've been put to death? Or perhaps exorcised first, and then executed? All I can say is that if heaven is going to be full of these priestly child molesters, I'll take my chances in hell.

In that vein, here's Black Sabbath performing "NIB" in Paris 1970 (I also recommend the more recent version by Ozzy and Primus).

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